A few days ago, I read something my friend and neighbor Paul Bergmann wrote. It was moving, so I asked if I could use it here on Substack, and he graciously agreed. Paul has had a wild journey through life. He played football professionally, became a Christian pastor for many years, but was turned off by the reality of Christianity as he saw it around him compared to the Christianity he fell in love with.
What I love about the following essay he wrote is its raw, radical honesty. There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There’s no ‘look at how I changed someone’s life’ feel-good message. Paul regularly busts his butt to help people, but he understands the limitations we all encounter. Sometimes, the best you can do is make someone’s day a little less awful. Maybe, there’s no miracle that saves the day and makes everything ok. But just maybe we can use our time on earth to bring a smile to some of those we encounter along the way. I pass the ball to Paul, so he can take it from here.
“I saw him yelling at the air and passersby, sitting on a 5 gal bucket by the road. He looked angry and scary and I had this funny thought, “I wonder the last time someone came up to him and gave him something?” So, I pulled in the parking lot across the street and observed. He suddenly got up and crossed the street to my side and sat down beginning to rant and rave, but now I could see and hear him much better as he was only 20ft away. I grabbed a backpack filled with food and supplies and a new sleeping bag from the back seat and got out of my car. He saw me and started yelling at me but I couldn’t understand, and I walked behind my car and the others parked parallel to the sidewalk till I could walk straight at him in the shortest distance. Then I did, and in seconds I was in front of him and asked him if he could use some supplies and a new sleeping bag. His demeanor changed in an instant. His face became soft. That led to an encounter that lasted about half hour.
I sat on the grass by the sidewalk and talked to Jimmy. He asked if I was the one in the helicopter that had been harassing him all day, and I told him I would never fly in a copter, they scare me. He said he didn’t think I was. He was 56. He looked older. He had incredible blue piercing eyes. We talked about life, his life, he told me how long ago he messed up bad and “he made bad choices”, that he’s been on the streets ever since. He said he had no one to blame but himself, that his parents had given him many chances, but he’d always mess it up. They’re alive, 80 years old, but he hadn’t seen them in too many years to remember. I told him he should just tell them that he loves them, that he’s grateful they tried. “Just leave a phone message, tell them you love them and thank you for trying”.
He just stared for a bit. He said he had a sleeping bag and didn’t feel right about taking a new one. But I saw his bag and asked about it. He said it was small, hard to fit in with his jackets on and he couldn’t move. So, I sold him on this one being bigger, and he could use the other as a blanket. He sheepishly took it with an embarrassed smile and some guilt. We explored the bag with food, socks, flashlight, emergency tent etc. He was beside himself. I asked if he had any friends, and he said no. Then suddenly he told me he didn’t want to be this person, the guy yelling at everyone from the side of the road. He didn’t like that, he wanted to do good to people but had no idea how to do it. I told him he could do it, that he just did it to me, and he gave me that twinkled eyed smile look like I was full of shit, but then again…maybe I wasn’t.
We talked about our aches and pains. I told him I was a lot older than him and he guffawed at that telling me how good I looked. I said I may look better than I feel, like a vehicle with more miles than it should have for its age. We laughed. He asked me “Why?” And I just told him I notice people. He stared again. He said it was nice to be noticed and thanked me. I said some people pay a bigger price for their mess ups, that I’d messed up too. But then he said “Yeah, but you obviously learned from your mistakes and changed your ways.” I said I was lucky enough to do that. He said he’d pay for his till he died, and I simply thought I hope that is very soon, that this misery can end for him and he could rest in peace.
This whole time we looked into each others eyes as we spoke and as I got up to leave I looked at him one last time and cried inside. I so wished I had Jesus super powers like in all those bullshit healing stories in the Bible and all those bullshit healing preachers on tv. But I wished…oh how I wished l! I wish l could just touch him and make him well. I wished I could be Super Jesus and raise from the dead slaughtered Israelis and Palestinians, murdered Ukrainians, heal and feed migrants who traveled thousands of miles through hell to just maybe give their kids a chance at life. I just wanted to heal the whole mess of this fucked up world! But I can’t, and neither could Jesus. He was human…betrayed, brutalized and butchered. No happy ending or reward for preaching love and unity. And that’s why I still follow him, the Crucified one, and follow in his footsteps. That Jesus makes sense to me. I follow with no expectation of a happy ending, but simply just maybe making happy moments along the way to the end. I hugged him, got back in my car and had a good cry on the way home. Then, I reloaded another back pack and sleeping bag. I can’t heal the hopeless world, and sometimes it overwhelms. But I can do some sort of good. As my dear friend Daniele says in his motto “Answering hopelessness with a defiant smile and raised middle finger!”
This is very nice.
Have you seen Just Kate (he has similar bags) and Bi Phakathati (gives just cash 💰) on YouTube they are pretty great for the homeless and or poor.
Paul, there is a happy ending. Jesus said He would return for us. If it wasn’t true He would not have said it. Easter is the miracle. Jesus came for all the Jimmies of this world. This world is ruled by the Prince of Darkness, Satan. It is becoming clearer by the day. The signs of the return of our Messiah are very near. Don’t despair go out and tell everyone you meet that the Kingdom of Heaven is here