My daughter has had to deal with much more grief than someone her age should. Her mom died when she was 19 months old. Her grandfather, whom she adored, died when she was 11. Add to this a whole bunch of other friends and family who are gone. So, not surprisingly, the theme of grief shows up a whole lot in her writing. This first piece here is for her grandfather and was written when she was 12. The second is about her mom, and was written recently, at 14 years old.
WHAT IF
The signs, the signs
they say “read the signs”
They say:
“look for him in the morning dew”
“in the creak of doors”
“and familiar melodies”
What if I can’t “read the signs”?
What if I can’t see him
in the goddamn dew?
What if I don’t have an unyielding faith
that he’s happy and well
and watching over me,
proud?
What if I indulge greedily
in my shocks of carefree bliss,
savoring every second
his face doesn’t haunt my thoughts?
What if I feel inadequate in my
vain attempts at honoring him?
What if I worry that my every action
could disappoint him?
What if I feel every bitter tear
and long for more,
thinking that my sadness is otherwise
not real enough?
What if your spirit isn’t alive?
What if you’re
dead,
dead,
dead as can be?
What if you’re not watching over me?
What if you are watching me,
and simply not proud of what you see?
Both horrifying possibilities,
which is worse?
What if my abundance of questions
are all for nothing
and will never be answered?
What if...
What if I never see you again?
What if you’re gone for good,
and no flying to Milano
or eating at Cucchi
or crying over pictures
or playing with dolls
or writing novels
or singing songs
or begging
desperately
can change that?
What if I didn’t love you well enough?
What if I still don’t love you well enough?
What if I’m simply not a good granddaughter?
and What if my ever-changing self
is letting you down,
losing the monella you loved?
All I know,
is that I love you unconditionally
and though my spelling has
improved since my previous
love notes
and cards,
My love hasn’t changed.
I will never let a single memory fade.
death can come knocking at my door
and old age can latch onto my thoughts,
but I will never
EVER
let them take my love for you away.
Let them come with a vengeance,
people spreading lies
and my mind rotting to a pulp.
Let my body slowly deteriorate
and intelligence fade into
nothingness.
Let the universe throw any obstacle my way,
but I refuse to let them take you.
Every word you said is burned into my memory
and there it will stay.
Everything you’ve done for me,
can never be undone.
My love for you will never die.
even after my own death, my love will never suffer such a fate.
It will surpass me and continue to flourish.
Ti amo, Nonno mio.
Ti amo.
And this is the piece she wrote about her mom.
I Have Her Smile
By Isabella Han-Bolelli
Dragonflies dance through my mind.
foreign tongue,
when will it become
My Own?
you can see the accents in my eyes
the mountains in my hair—
She left her marks all over me.
my laughs rings with Reckless Abandon,
light-hearted
in the face of pain
I’m told I have her laugh.
fabrics & colors
& silhouettes enthrall me
I sift through her closet,
which clothes will fit?
I’m told I have her figure.
when I was little, I only ate gnocchi.
Took me years to try tea.
I try to speak her language
but my voice sounds
of homemade tiramisu
and pasta ragu.
Definitely not four-tones
My smile speaks of places I’ve never been,
My lips struggle to say nĭ hăo
what does this make me?
It makes me hers. her body loved me before I knew the word Love.
now I know how to verbalize
what I feel for this woman
whose face blends into my own
Wŏ ài nĭ
Ti amo
I love you,
Mama.
If any of you sweet people feel like subscribing to my daughter’s YouTube Channel, I’m sure it’d make her day: https://www.youtube.com/@isabellahan-bolelli
I am so touched by your words. Your writing is full of the emotions of grief. I wonder what you wonder. What if? I feel your pain. Losing my father recently has set me on a whirlwind of grief I cannot grasp onto. He was 85, I had many many years with him, but yet, not enough. I miss his kindness, humor his presence and unconditional love I may never experience again. no matter what the age, loss stings. Tears flow uncontrollably. Thank you for sharing your grief and pain. I am deeply sorry for your losses.
I can see 2 new songs in her future.